Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
