There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
