my mouth tastes like poor choices
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
