I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
