dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
