Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
