I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
