i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
