i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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