I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
