just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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