Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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