We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
