I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
