I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
