note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
