I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
