It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
