I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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