Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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