Nicole vs. Life
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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