I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
