i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
