good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
