U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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