I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
