Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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