Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize