All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
