I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i was born a porn star she said
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
