There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize