i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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