Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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