I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
