i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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