I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
