I showed him my bush... on skype.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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