How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
