Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
