Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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