Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
