I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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