i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
