it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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