i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
