i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
