What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
