i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I need to stop coming to work sober
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
