Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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