I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You can't just leave with hair like that
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
