You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
