got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
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