I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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